Hrm, advice on security jobs?

Do you have any tips for applying for a job in security?

-heaviside

Hmm, probably not. The thing is, we’re both so far removed from normality that we have to make things up as we go. Let’s start off with the story of how I got hired and then I’ll wander around the topic a bit.

Back in February I was working at a McDonald’s. The other workers would complain about working the cash booth in the back, but I loved the isolation. It was a great place to drink too much coffee and let my imagination buzz around like a hummingbird on PCP. I was also extremely quick, so they usually stuck me back there. Anyway, once my favorite over-the-counter antidepressant really started kicking in I would bullshit with the regulars who actually had personalities. Maybe one in twenty.

One of these had so much personality that he would eventually be banned from both McDonald’s in the area that I worked at. About fifty years old, fat, jolly- I found him quick-witted and rather agreeable, myself, but he swore like a sailor and his little 7-year-old daughter would just giggle. (She’s such a doll.) Plus, he would call people dumbasses when they were being dumbasses, which happens a lot at McDonald’s. I have a thicker skin than most, so it didn’t bother me, and I enjoyed the break from the constant corporate political correctness.

(I don’t get the PC Weekly magazine, so I’m never sure which words are approved for description. Did you say “Illegal Immigrant” when you meant “Undocumented Worker”? For shame!)

Well, he would bring his daughter through a few times a week after school and we’d bullshit and his adorable little copilot would just watch with eyes glowing. She loved watching her Alpha daddy do his thing. Well, one time he was looking down and I asked him what was up. He mentioned that one of his bartenders had bailed on him and he was short-staffed that night. Feeling a little bold, I asked him when he wanted me to show up. For a second and a half he scrutinized me with that look people use to try to read your mind through your eyes. (Employment is a very tricky business.) “Seven-thirty”, he said. “It’s a non-alcoholic bar, easiest job in the world. Got some good-looking girls there.”

Well now, that’s an interesting thing to say, isn’t it?

The rest is history, which I suppose I’ll get around to eventually. Interesting stuff though. Just for instance, Vox is exactly right about women being useless in a fight. I’ve been punched by them on multiple occasions (and as recently as Saturday) and it hurts less than being stung by a bee. With anything less than a knife they simply aren’t dangerous, and even with a weapon they are still far too slow and emotional to be as dangerous as a man would be. The idea of putting armor on them and sending them into combat is pure insanity.

Back on topic, I suppose. I’ve been meaning to tell that story for a while. Advice, advice…

There are three absolutely essential elements to getting hired for security: you have to act like an adult, you have to exhibit a physical presence, and they have to be hiring. An employer’s biggest problem is hiring people who act like adults because these are increasingly the minority. Hiring is really stressful and costly, and most of the time they get it wrong anyway. Especially in security, which attracts immature and violent men like those fly zappers. Rather than nipping problems in the bud, these guys start them and/or make them worse.

So imagine you’re the guy reading the application. Hmm, six jobs in two years…(trash). Just started a four-year degree in electrical engineering…he’s probably a nebbish little snot, but I’ll have to meet him in person to know for sure. Ex-army, these guys always show up looking polished but they’re always looking for fights, not to mention the PTSD…(trash). Et cetera.

Do the applications if you need to, but it’s far better to make friends with one of the bouncers. Even better, make friends with a bartender or manager. If you don’t know them already and you can afford it, become a regular customer and make them smile a bit. Tip. Treat them like human beings with, you know, families and feelings and dreams and stuff. Ordinary customers treat them like the props in their movies (starring them) at best, and like trash at worst.

Not only does this relieve their anxiety about your character and social graces, but your new friends can tell you when a spot opens up. Make your intentions known (after they already know ya, mind) and they might expedite the process; there’s always a stoner they’re looking for an excuse to fire.

As for physical presence, that’s 1) Charisma aka Game, and 2) physicality. Charisma is number one because the true strength of security lies in numbers. Plus, you’ll rarely have to restrain or kick out a big guy unless he’s drunk, and alcohol makes people useless in an altercation. Big guys don’t have anything to prove, everybody’s already kinda scared of them. It’s the little guys with their friends that you have to worry about.

In conclusion, make yourself known, work on your Game, and deadlift-squat-bench-etc.

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About Aeoli Pera

Maybe do this later?
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6 Responses to Hrm, advice on security jobs?

  1. heaviside says:

    Oh, I didn’t mean as a bouncer. It was a night-shift job at a hotel.

  2. ThalMelon says:

    Why were you, Aeoli, working at McDonald’s? Aren’t you a little too smart for that?

    • Aeoli Pera says:

      Because I had no degree, marketable skills, social network, or personal charisma. I’d still be working there except I found a corporation big enough to hire entry-level strictly on aptitude (IQ, basically), after which they spend bigly on a technical training program.

      • ThalMelon says:

        So I guess you’re doing programming now, yes? I’m just interested as I’m in the same situation you were in. Only real difference is I’m a fair bit younger than you are.

        Currently I’m trying to figure out which worthwhile career I can enter into with the least amount of effort. But my aspergers and ADD isn’t helping.

        It’s a lonely road.

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