There’s not much more to that first note. I quit my job and I’m looking for a new one. I exhausted in ten months what I’d thought was an inexhaustible supply of superhuman patience. But the reason I quit is that my life was far too interesting. I’m trying to lead a double-life here, and I need to keep my real life as boring as possible.
Got enough “fuck you” cash on hand to last a couple of months.
Today’s notes are about as emotional as I can muster these days, so it’s more difficult than usual to express and expand each of the ideas. But each of them is worth its own series, at least.
I had the realization that even if I suddenly turned my life around and became a high-functioning adult, it would still be impossible to have a normal life. There are a lot of things wrong with me that you can’t fix this late in development, plus 50K in student loan debt, no credit, no degree and a shaky personal history. (Although…if broad amnesty’s on the table, I might take the opportunity to pick up a spare social security number or two.)
I’m not sure what prompted this realization, but it’s the heavy kind that you know is true deep down in your gut. Like the sort of realization that comes in a dream. The situation is terminal. At this point, all we’re concerned with is quality of life.
The previous note segues nicely into this one. I’ve decided to pursue the “marginal genius strategy” with as little interference from competing strategies as possible. See this article for background. One small problem is that ~2.5 SD is not genius material by most standards. Quantitative evidence suggests I’m at the very bottom of the 99th centile (a vocabulary of ~35,000 words, for instance). But it’s pretty clear that I’m qualitatively in the genius group, despite my lower native intelligence, or suboptimal environment (which does count for more at higher levels), or whatever.
(My current theory, obviously, is that I’m a rather dull neanderthal. But I’ve only been playing with that theory for a year and a half now. We’ll see how well it holds up.)
This note is already getting a little out of hand. Summarize, summarize…
At any rate, this is less of a problem because my area of expertise is less g-loaded than, say, the hard sciences. I vaguely describe myself as an amateur parapsychologist, which packs a lot of accurate semantics and connotations into two words. I also like to compose music, which has a similarly low g-load(ing-ness), but I understand that I won’t be making any net contributions of any sort in that area. It’s a hobby.
Still too much theory. Brass tacks. What to do?
I’m going to seek out jobs that will allow me to pursue parapsychology with the least possible resistance. I’m also shocked to learn that for all that the “marginal strategy” is an incredibly important idea, there exists no “marginal strategist” whose lifestyle designs and such are easily found in an internet search. What the hell, guys?
Fine, I’ll do it myself, and I’m not even a humanist. So the focus of my parapsychology will be to study marginal geniuses and discover or design successful implementations of the marginal strategy, so as to increase the creative output of other geniuses. A really nice part of this is that it fulfills any social instincts I may or may not have, in the most satisfying way: by seeking out geniuses, interviewing them, observing them if possible, and helping them in any way I can.
This happens to nearly coincide with my broad estimate for the end of neanderthal adolescence. So I expect to experience a sudden shift in mental frame from “thinking” to “doing” in the next couple of years.
I’m rather shocked by the confluence of so many factors. This strategy makes use of my aptitudes, interests, uniquely text-based empathy, extreme patience, religious views, ingenopathic and altruistic tendencies (dysfunctional in most strategies), cynical conservativism (assume nature), asexuality, introversion…so on and so forth. It’s such a perfect fit that I can suddenly understand why some people decide to be doctors. Once I see this, no other choice seems plausible. This key only fits one lock.
Another example: I still remember my 5 spiritual gifts according to that 3 colors book from way back: Discernment, Voluntary Poverty, Knowledge, Wisdom, and Teaching. It’s a perfect fit. You couldn’t hand-pick a better list.
If my thoughts seem cluttered it’s because they are, but only because there are so many of them. If I’ve been “down” lately it’s only because there’s so much to think about that I haven’t even had time to take notes.