Ran myself out of time. Here’s an excerpt from a convo instead of a proper post.
I have a dream I’d like to relate and interpret.
Donovan: very possible
go for it
me: Okay, this was Tuesday or Wednesday or so, right before I did the giant text dump on Thursday.
Setting was a mix of my current workplace and ROTC stuff from back in the day.
People would give me tasks whose names I didn’t recognize (“do glork”), and then walk off, and I’d be stuck wondering.
After a couple times I started asking for explanations, and they’d also be gibberish. What’s glork? “It’s when you fibble.” I don’t know what that is either.
The people around me started getting frustrated, thinking I was being difficult. I was getting frustrated too, and started answering “I don’t know what that is” in an angry tone.
A more sensitive, empathic girl sought me out because she wanted to help (she was sort of a mix of two different girls I’ve known who were both very sweet).
She patiently tried explaining the same things, smiling, speaking slowly. I still kept asking what the different words meant, though I wasn’t angry. I really wanted to understand.
She eventually started to despair and saying, “oh…no…no…” she sort of fainted and faded away into nothing.
Afterward I was summoned to the boss’s office (purely ROTC in this case) and presented with written disciplinary action for me to sign, and given a lecture on my “attitude problem”.
They started giving me a formulaic speech about attitude and success, and I’d interrupt every now and then to ask things like “I’ll do glork if you’ll just tell me what it is.”
They’d say “that’s not the problem, the problem is your attitude” and then pick up the lecture where they left off.
Sent at 1:29 PM on Saturday
me: Eventually I lost my temper and said “you don’t even need me here for this” (meaning they could give their speech to an empty room for all it mattered) and stormed out, refusing to sign the written warning and never looking back.
That was the end.
Donovan: i think it pretty clearly encapsulates how you view the world
me: Yeah, I think so.
Donovan: my first guess is that having all those ideas bouncing around in your head was causing some pretty heavy reflection, which was bringing your whole viewpoint on things a bit more to the fore than usual
subconscious was intentionally relying on it a lot
female incident has quite a bit of meat to digest
me: Seems it was pretty urgent at the time.
Really? I didn’t interpret that part.
Donovan: my guess would be either idealized female form, memory of part interaction, or (most likely) amalgamation of both
me: Haven’t really had any similar interactions, so it must be the former.
Actually, when people take the time to explain something to me I can usually grok it.
Even if most of it is left implied.
I’m pretty good at grasping implications.
Donovan: perhaps a bit of tension about not being able to do so?
me: Dunno. That tension still drives the majority of my emotional life.
Donovan: possibilty, which is the strongest thign we can say when it comes to analyzing dreasm
me: If I’m feeling angry or sad or anything bad, it is almost certainly due to a feeling of hopelessness because I’m living in a world full of robots whose inside workings I don’t have time to fully understand.
And whose behavior I can’t change.
Donovan: and who, in return ,cant understand you, and who unfailingly do the opposite of what makes any sense to you
me: Yup, and it doesn’t help that they appear to be stubbornly moronic.
Sometimes sadistic, and sometimes both sadistic and moronic.
And yet they’re functional, and I’m not.
That’s why I wrote the Apology post:
And in turn, that’s why I simultaneously feel like a victim of marginalization (which is unfair, given my talents) and inferior.
So it’s not a contradiction…more like an emotional paradox.
Sent at 1:41 PM on Saturday
me: I’m out of time today. Going to post my description of the dream and our interpretations as a blog post, failing time to write one. Is that okay?
Donovan: sounds good, as long as you clean up all the typos lol
me: Nope, straight blockquote. :-)
No time for cleanup anyway.
Donovan: you’re a monster lol
Responses to all comments soon, for realzies.