On melon psychology

This is a reprint of a series of posts buried away in the Neanderhall.


I work at a strip club for big-eye melon, whose boss is a melon, whose boss is a melon who owns entire city blocks downtown. So I have a few brief (and extremely tense) conversations per day with these very dominant people on which I later reflect out of professional diligence. But in the end these are just guesses, I’ll leave it to the altruistic melons to confirm or reject them.

First things first, melons do not freely share information. Knowledge is power, and asymmetry is an iron law. Information goes up, not down or sideways. Unless they’re selling something (in which case, they will only say good things unless otherwise required by strictly enforced laws). Subordinates do not ask questions unless they have a damn good reason, and “It’s my job” is not a damn good reason. In such situations, they will ignore you and just leave (and mention to your supervisor in a hushed tone that you’re a retard, and ask whether they’re wise to keep you on the payroll). Nicer melons (not sarcasm) will explain that if you weren’t a retard, you’d already know the answer (implied: through your social skills, connections, reason, or your perfect melony observation skills). A melon’s first response to any question from a lesser being is “Why the fuck should I tell you that?” They will rarely say this aloud.

Speaking of which, a consequence of this: When a melon is silent, it is a sign of contempt. If a melon is more introverted, it is because he has a more generalized contempt for the world. An effusive melon is less misanthropic.

Here’s an experiment you can try: In the presence of two melons, say something stupid about humanity (like “Isn’t our dress code kinda racist?”). They will exchange a silent glance. Always. This “retard alert” is a sign that you just fucked up. If one of the two is responsible for your sorry ass, there will be an implicit apology in this glance as if they had brought a crying infant to a serious business meeting. Again, all of this will be unspoken because both melons have been studying humanity diligently and instinctively their entire lives as an obsession, applying their high IQs to observation and experimentation. In comparison, you are dumber than the average five-year-old bigmelon. Aloud, they will dissemble along PC lines (“We’re just trying to keep a classy vibe…”). There is no miscommunication here because they both get the joke. They “get it”.


What are the core melon values? Reality management and family. Hierarchy and climbing, though constant and ubiquitous, are means to other ends.

The more successful melons apply this reality management to the people around them (creating reality for other people) but some turn inward and take reality enhancing drugs or do meditative stuff (creating reality for themselves). These aren’t distinct categories; there’s a lot of overlap, and one often aids the other. Reality is plastic, it almost has to be. This is a lifelong obsession. They are always looking for the invisible strings that control the universe, always grasping for that mystical something that keeps getting closer as they mature, but always seems just out of reach. If they ever really “get it”, they believe nature itself will bend to their will.

When I say family, I mean genetic family. They will advance the interests of anyone with true melon expression, classifying them as people who “get it”. The “right people”. Etc. They will advance each others’ careers at the expense of the entire corporation, if need be (but then, those high IQs…). It would seem like nepotism would be an iron law, except…because children inevitably regress to the mean in aggregate, many melon parents face the inevitable reality of having cro mag-expressing children, or thal-expressing children. They will have the uncomfortable realization that their genetic offspring sometimes aren’t the “right people”. Often melonish, but less able than their parents. Or sometimes they’re just social retards. Idiots. They’ll help their children along out of duty (and to keep up appearances), maybe get them a low-level public offices or sinecures to keep them fed, but they’ll quietly give up on them. Or, if the child embarrasses the family (the thal’s sexual deviancy hits the news or the cro publicly disrespects them, for instance), they will cut their losses and throw the child under the bus. Melons exemplify the selfish gene idea.


The melon filtering process: This idea is a further expression of the selfish gene idea and serves to explain the tendency of melonheads to infiltrate groups and institutions, take power, and filter the climbers below them until the group is top-heavy with melons.

Melons know instinctively that the best way to get into a nightclub is to know the manager. Melons only wait in line the first couple of times. Once they get in, they work their reality management magic on the staff and managers. Similarly, they know that you don’t get to the top of the corporation by filling out forms and following the rules. The way to the top is by getting to know and impressing the “right people”. The right people being, of course, other melons. Impressing means showing the characteristic melony traits of high IQ and social mastery.

Cros kind of know this as well, in their own little way. But they lack the foresight and intelligence to capitalize on this basic idea. They might even formulate the idea of going to a nightclub and trying to meet the owner. But they go with a group of retard friends and act like idiots. And their friends are idiots. And probably ugly. And they don’t really plan, they just kinda shoulder their way through the line to the bouncer and say “I know your manager, let me in fo free.” The bouncer, who has seen this approximately a billion times, will roll his eyes and ask what the manager’s name is. (A genius cro might actually have taken five seconds to learn this beforehand. But probably not.)

“It’s…you know, the big guy…(smile)…you know, his hair is all…(smile).”
“Cover is $8.”

Once the cro gets in the club, he could theoretically learn the manager’s name in preparation for next weekend, or try to strike up a conversation, but they’re playing that one song and OMG look at all teh people and THERE ALL DANCEING. Brainmelt. See you again next weekend, Mr. Bouncer.

Thals, being retards, enjoy following written rules and procedures (to the letter, if possible). It feels like morality, or pride, or something. Social contract theory! Economics! Whaaarrgarble!

Anyway, the conclusion is blindingly obvious for a melon. Hire bouncers. Make busywork for the thals and cros. Make them wait in lines. Erect a series of obstacles and order them to climb over them all, and then maybe they can have that promotion or get that inside scoop. But the “right people” will go around the obstacles. They’ll strike up conversations with the thal who maintains them and learn all his clever secrets (finally, someone who listens!). This is due to their reality management impulse; melons do not submit to orders unless they are playing a longer game. That would be accepting someone else’s reality. Death, practically.

They’ll fill out the paperwork, sure. After they land the job.

Thus, jumping through hoops filters out the idiots. And the melons float to the top, and more quickly the more melons are already at the top. This is how the two primary melon values (reality management and family) work together so well that it is impossible to beat them at their own game.
Well, unless you’re a starchild, it seems.

American history is a perfect example of this.

1.Thals flee to a new continent, prosper (and ruthlessly exterminate the indigenous out-group)
2. Melons follow the money, take power, erect soul-killing stratification institutions (mandatory public school because NO CHILD should ever have to cry a single tear!)
3. Melons take absolute control. I’m looking at you, Lincoln.
4. Melons open the gates to the cro masses as part of their power games (power in numbers, amirite?).
5. The cros go feral and start eating the thals and each other.
6. Melons erect totalitarian state to control cros.
7. Economics of the totalitarian state can’t support the huge population enabled by thal civilization.
8. The big reset.

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About Aeoli Pera

Maybe do this later?
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7 Responses to On melon psychology

  1. Craig says:

    That was a great read. You know I can relate, I was a “Glassy” in a night club when young, I did alight to. Yep the boss a Melon, his missus also the other manager a Melon. The big boss or owner was a Thal, the son of a big melon who owns one of the largest white good franchises in Australia. Big melon boss bought two night clubs to occupy his Thal son for 6 months of the year in the tourist season up north… I enjoyed the company of the big boss Thal as when he was around we could drink all we wanted during staffies. This would last from 5 to 6am till 12 pm in the day… fun times. My supervisor was also a Melon bar tender. I can still taste the “Japanese slipper” he made me over and over on my last night of work, fun working as a glassy pissed I tell ya…

    I was young and dumb back then. More precise way to say it was ignorant of the social dynamics, as I was a stickler for the rules.

    I love my memories particularly reminiscing the happy moments.

    The more you reveal the more thalish I realise I am.

    My friends readily acknowledge that I should keep my ideas to myself, as I could make a lot of money… I never do as I don’t care for tones of money.

    Dad and Granddad use to call me Jesus, with my long hippy hair as a teenager… I think Jesus was a Thal.

    • Aeoli Pera says:

      >The more you reveal the more thalish I realise I am.

      This seems to be a common sentiment among melons who are thallish/introverted/ambiverted enough to spend significant time on the internet. Owl-fronts in particular, like Donovan Greene (Legionnaire), Mycroft Jones, and The Eyes of the Owl. Probably selects for TMs in particular.

  2. Pingback: Parable of the Caribou perks card | Aeoli Pera

  3. outsider says:

    You know who wasn’t a Melon? Hitler.

    • Aeoli Pera says:

      Hitler has been surprisingly difficult to type with any reliability between face readers. Everybody has a different take.

      Some faces are like this. I’m actually gonna start a thread on this to illustrate, and observe the differences between long-time face readers like myself, polymath, and Glenn.

  4. Pingback: Why “What can’t continue, won’t”, but actually does continue for way longer than you’d think it ought to | Aeoli Pera

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