About six years ago, my subconscious said “fuck you” and took over. I take it for granted these days that “I” am not even running this show anymore, by which I mean I’m just riding the elephant called bigocc. I can give reasons for why I’m going this way or that, but I’d be making it up. The reconciliation process between the conscious and unconscious minds has been slow and unfocused.
Malcolm Gladwell, in Blink, talks about how his subconscious mind is a kleptomaniac. Basically he commits petty theft constantly without realizing it, stealing pens off desks, that sort of thing. So he’s constantly returning small objects that he put in his pockets without even noticing.
I mentioned recently that I’m “subconsciously self-sabotaging”, and there are a couple reasons for thinking that. The best example is that I’ll drop things at the worst possible times (so I have to pay special attention to avoid this), or if I reach for my drink I’ll sometimes sorta spasm and knock it over. A more extreme example that occurred during my darkest and most sleep-deprived time, was that I would be trying to take notes in class and nod off to sleep for a couple of seconds at a time. Sometimes when I woke back up, I’d see that I’d written something horrific. Negative affectivity bro- it’s a killer.
I talked to a girl once at work who had this same problem, especially with dropping stuff. Most aspieface girl you ever saw, incidentally. (Her aspie brother once asked during an otherwise ordinary conversation if I enjoy porn with girls getting facials.) Anyway, she described it the same way. “I’ll be holding a drink, and my hand will just stop holding and drop it for no reason.”
I think this runs pretty deep, and like sexual stuff it comes out in a lot of our complex behavior. For instance, I think Malcolm Gladwell tries to be a good person, but probably has boundary issues and thinks he deserves more than he gets. I imagine he’s a big fan of the thesis of “Les Miserables”, and therefore thinks more highly of it than it merits.
Similarly, I figure I probably self-sabotage in big, complex ways. Like, say I were going steady with some girl. I’d have the strange desire to fuck up a good thing, and this might manifest in some way that actually does fuck it up.
I figure this sort of thing is wired as deeply as sexuality, as I said.