The transition into the new job is going well so far. It helps to have the systems I’ve built for thinking about such things. Particularly, I’ve made excellent use of free energy from transitions. I’ll possibly get around to describing this pedestrian stuff in more detail later. However, a weird thing happened that feels more important.
Yesterday was my first day at my new job. That is probably important in terms of emotional timing. My dreams last night were about traveling, which is almost always an indicator of letting go of something, emotionally. This morning, I woke up thinking about Aeris from Final Fantasy 7. The music associated with the scene where Aeris is buried was stuck in my head (along with a couple of other important Aeris scenes and associated music) and the feeling was a mix of nostalgic, bittersweet, and lighthearted. It was like I was letting go of something I hadn’t even realized was bothering me.
Now, it’s important to note that before now, I never understood the fascination with this character. Maybe it’s because I was 12 at the time and puberty was a ways off yet, but I felt no attachment to Aeris whatsoever. She wasn’t very strong and I never put her in my party, so when she died I wasn’t really upset. I mean, the permadeath of a playable character is always a little jarring for a 12-year-old, but I was more just pissed that Cloud buried her before I could unequip her Lightning 3 materia. This morning, that changed. I finally understood how people get so attached to that character, and I felt that little tightness in my intestines that I associate with loss and loneliness.
The way I figure is this: I was building a new neurological association with an emotional category related to either pair-bonding or loneliness or both. I think this is my brain reacting to the shift from resource dependence (on parents) to resource independence. This would be because my mind is shifting from resource scarcity to…not quite resource abundance so much as the knowledge that having sex is okay now because having a baby wouldn’t be a complete disaster.
Tangent: I may not be the trooest thal in existence, but I’m definitely not wired to be a loser AND a parent at the same time. Parasitism might be where I’m at, realistically speaking, but I can’t say it works for me. On the other hand, the preferred prole method of reproduction appears to be to have kids by accident, then either take off (black males) or just never interact with the kids because they’re desperately working 80 hours per week (Mexicans, low-class whites). I expect this is why NW European altruism doesn’t allow us to have three or four generations living in the same home.