I just watched this movie with my troo noo melonboooon brainparts. Turns out esotericism a lot of fun once your parietal grows in. Spoilers follow.


There’s a lot of esoteric shit just in this advertisement, and the inverted triangle alone alerts us that it falls on the saturnian/ahrimanian/babylonian/chaos end of the Manichean order/chaos dialectic, but I’ll try to stick to the stuff that’s interesting through an edenic lens. I’m sure Chris Knowles or somebody can pick up the slack on the occult symbology or what have you. I will say this- don’t fall for the PG-13 rating and let your kids watch it, there’s a ton of sexualization and even a completely unnecessary, 5-minute pole-dancing scene.

The only interesting characters from this perspective are the two protagonists, a pair of male and female owl melon federal agents. If you ignore the obligatory grrrl power aspects, their interactions are a perfect representation of the owl melon archetype and I might recommend this movie for that reason alone. Both characters were plausible and realistic and the actors did an impeccable job.


The movie is about an alien race stand-in for Ashkenazi Jews called “Pearls”, envisioned as a matriarchal Swiderian sea people. Please note the occipital bun raised into the backswept parietal position, conferring the trademark Swiderian dolicocephalism and implying neanderthal hybridization.


The plot is that they wuz just standing on the corner mindin’ they business and dindu nothin’ but a bunch of humans were having a war next to their planet and killed (((6 MILLION))) of them as collateral damage. Being spiritually superior to humans, the survivors forgive the callous genocide of their people but still want the philosopher’s stone as reparations (a little alien rodent that shits infinite energy gems). The rest of the movie revolves around their quest to obtain this philosopher’s stone and power the spaceship by which they will search the stars for a new homeland. (Paging Chris Knowles…) I’m sure you’ll be VERY SURPRISED to learn that they eventually obtain it by convincing the female owl melon to steal it and give it to them, “because that’s what love is”. In turn, she convinces the male owl melon to go along with it because otherwise she won’t have sex with him. I’m not even exaggerating any of this.

Between the Pearls’ diaspora and aliyah, they go from idyllic tribal primitives living in perfect harmony wif der earf to a race of technologically superior supergeniuses by studying the humans’ art and science (in the space of 30 years) and doing it way better than the goyim…I mean humans. After wandering through space for a while, they find their way to Alpha, the platonic cosmopolitan space station metropolis. Hence the name “city of a thousand planets”.


Naturally, the Pearls go straight to the heart of Alpha, set up camp, and begin scavenging parts for their spaceship. In the meantime 4-star general Literally Hitler (played by Clive Owen) is trying to eliminate them to cover up the Holocaust because he feels so guilty about the whole thing, and fears the humiliation of being found out.

Also, off-topic, did I mention they’re extremely feminine? Even the male Pearls are voiced by women, and this is something you’re obviously supposed to notice, feel uncomfortable about, and then accept as a random weird sci-fi thing. And there’s this bit where shapeshifter Rihanna dies and morphs into her true form: an Egyptian pharaoh princess. Maybe that was just something she demanded to bring her starpower to the movie? Apparently it’s this big thing. It was completely weird, unnecessary, out of place, and broke the movie’s immersion for the next five minutes, but I that’s KANGZ for you.

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43 Responses to Valerian

  1. Koanic says:

    Gayer than AIDS.

    • aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ssssssssssssssss says:

      As gay as anything where the director cares to say “I wanted Rihanna, her or nobody else” had to be.

      • aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ssssssssssssssss says:

        Speaking of films (and games)… I have read quite some reviews these late days and…

        noticed how the reviewers find any excuse to, in a paranoid way, throw into their text a derogatory groundless anti-Trump reference. Or stuff like “The fighters you can choose are from all genders and ethnicities).

        It’s uncanny, for a gamma like me who could never understand anything about humans for many, many years, to observe these puppets, able to play by the script without being aware of it and while believing themselves free agents as they are.

        Even now, after knowing so much about human psychology, social species psychology, mammalian psychology, signaling, Te and Fe cognitive functions, … I still feel a twinge in my stomach seeing them in action.

        Then I decide to browse another site, and read in their netiquette version:

        Slurs and hate speech directed toward LGBTQ, people of color, survivors of trauma/abuse, or any other undecorous content may be removed.

        Is anybody taking any fault with a thusly formulated policy? Of course no.
        Is anybody noticing anything not OK with it? Of course no.
        Anybody disgusted by it, of course no!

        Why why why, how come how come how come, I asked myself for many many years.

        Now I know the answer: it’s because they aren’t gammas.

  2. Pseudorandom Bypasser says:

    I thought Cara Delevingne was classified as an amud-front MT.

    Doesn’t your local Kinoseum have a no singles policy?

    • kensuimo says:

      That two TMs can play MMs so well is praiseworthy.

      • Pseudorandom Bypasser says:

        I’m still going with xT just because of her face alone. Sloped forehead, rounded/convex profile, pointy upwardnose, recchin and distinctively amud periorbital recession and brow. No melon anteface either. It’s also hard to see a TM as a top model and world class actress for multiple reasons. MT fits better.

        Btw, Kinoseum and kensuimo are anagrams.

        • kensuimo says:

          As you will.

          Upwardnose TT. That you?

          I’m flattered.

          What does “no singles policy” mean?

          • Pseudorandom Bypasser says:

            >Upwardnose TT. That you?

            If you mean the posted pic, no. It’s a TT morph Amud/Polymath posted to The Apricity. I posted it to showcase the features Delevingne has and how they are thallish. Robotnick has similar features (see his NH pics). You really have to step up your thalamic detail hyperfocus game, kenpai.

            >What does “no singles policy” mean?

            It’s a /tv/ meme. They started to push a claim that some movie theaters won’t allow single males in their viewings to avoid possible mass shooters and general discomfort. Soon after it started to develop surreal elements including falcons, showers and designated theater shooters.

  3. Edenist Whackjob says:

    Insight of the day:

    Christianity is a spiritual map for processing one’s karmic effects and arriving at a state of Grace (being forgive, or “getting over the world”).

    The stages are:

    1. Faith. Suspension of disbelief, internalization of symbols.
    2. Fear. The effects of one’s karma becomes evident, and amygdala kicks in. Penance is sought and forgiveness asked for.
    3. Hope. Amygdala kicks in and provides a sense of mercy and bliss. 2 and 3 go back and forth as purification happens, attachment to “sins” (escaping into lower consciousness / animal programs) is lessened, and as the sense of forgiveness builds up.
    4. Charity (final stage). When forgiveneness has been reached, individual can then leave system of maps and become agent of morality – Love and do what thou wilt – if the hearts wants it, it it is pure.

    When in stage 2 we literally believe that God is real in the world, thus kicking us into Fear. Forcing us to go into stage 3 and seek more consciousness. Christianity is machine-code for forcing you to engage both brain-lobes until they are fully synchronized, while letting go of things and opening up the heart.

    Now, in the West we have killed off the first stage. We made Empiricism / Left-brain into our God, which precludes the Faith of the right-brain. We have thus forcibly stuck ourselves into the World-renderer (see my comment here:

    This is what Nietszche meant when “we have killed God” – there was always the necessity to keep God in both halves of the brain, but since we started worshipping Left-brain / Reason we could not get to Faith (of course, Faith comes back to bite us in other ways – see all the ersatz-religions / ideologies of the last 200 years).


    • Robotnick says:

      That is quite fascinating.

    • Robotnick says:

      I’d also note that this extreme Left-Brainism seems to stem from Anglos. Not exactly sure why.

      • Worldly success is adaptive if all you want is worldly success. At the price of being rigid, materialist and miserable.

        People who tap into the global perspective invariably want less imperialism, and so on. The answer is found somewhere in Anglo culture, can’t say what the starting point for it would be though. Keep in mind that culture is a machine-code for the activation of the psyche – if your culture heavily programs you to stay in left brain, you will stay there, and reinforce that, until something builds up from the “outside” (like too much anxiety begging for release).

      • Pretty sure it has to do with imperialism, being first to the industrial revolution, and being an island nation.

    • Akuma says:

      Great Analysis. It also leads to massive social discohesion. The lower hierarchy men are all left brained and view the rules as concrete. There is no spirit of the law or social reality. It’s more pronounced in liberals as they like outgrouping and causing bad feelz. On several occasions they have referred to me as right brained or a women (which bro-science dictates are right brained). Conservatives have better function between both spheres through way of the corpus callous. I believe it was Red who said Neanderthals had this same connectivity. This plays in with the right brain spirit because it allows the spirit of the law and social reality to be realized. God is allowed to be experienced. The strict left brained never get there because they are missing connections. Women rarely get there in the modern environment from all the improper socialization.

      • Akuma says:

        *Tex not red. Stupid auto correct.

      • Thanks, Akuma.

        I’m quite logical, and have natural affinity for eg programming and such things. Easily adapt new belief systems. Always realized that the system fish bowl I was swimming in was was limited though and spent most of my formative time trying to “joots” (jumping out of the system) in order to infuse the local with the global. Seeing the left from the right, and vice versa. AND has always been my way.

  4. 1. Cara Delevigne is such a babe

    2. The fish Jew people are probably analogous to the Robo-Brahman ‘Draags’ of Fantastic Planet and there’s probably some analogous ideas worth exploring.

    • Pseudorandom Bypasser says:

      At first it comes to mind how both of them are bald and cold blue colour. Also distinct big heads and large faces. I think this symbolizes how they are more cerebral, psychic and further away from flesh and humans-as-animals. Remember how the Draags mated. Keeping face and eyes means that they still remain as persons and interacting people. Big eyes channel their mental intensity (Draags had red burning eyes). Doctor Manhattan is a third example. Losing your clothes means losing external cultural/social influence, turning blue and bald means losing your inner humanity and primitivity. Sometimes this includes external organs as well. Kinda like how some DeviantArt aspies design their optimized versions of humans. Now that I think of it, Fantastic Planet is a good Thal vs. Melon story. Their hybrids would be Droms and Oogs.

      These features are common in the general perception of aliens. Maybe they are some subconscious archetypes that affect how people imagine them. See the classical Greys as an example.

      • Pseudorandom Bypasser says:

        Thinking again, it could’ve also been a Cro-Magnon slave revolt. Breaking Draag mating statues = bringing down the infrastructure melons rely on. They are nothing without it. Hope lies in the proles.

        • Pseudorandom Bypasser says:

          s/infrastructure/hierarchy and civic order

        • Aeoli Pera says:

          >Hope lies in the proles.

          Not in the sense that Orwell conceived it. He thought they would fix the system, in reality they are the source of it. But there is hope in the fact that they breed, while aristocrats are busy self-actualizing.

          • Pseudorandom Bypasser says:

            It could also just mean that they are the only possibility or “key”, not that there would necessarily be hope. Be it via becoming disillusioned (unlikely) or just getting duped by someone else. You just need to reach the critical mass or stretch the Overton window enough for the rest to follow. Normies/proles are systemically religious and conformists at heart. I’d estimate that a good 90% is totally incapable of reason, without real agency and therefore only capable of “reasoning” socially (by tuning into their surrounding social reality and making checks against it) and following. Their way of perceiving reality, understanding it and interacting with it always happens by proxy. For example see their way of making or saving money and apply the pattern to other matters. More intelligent normies likely avoid this specific example but still make the same mistake in other areas. Some occ pieces: my earlier comment about iNtuitives and edenic backs, college education, shitlib/SWPL “rationality” and scientism, atheist neurotypicals and post-factual awakening only after Trump.

            Do you mean that the proles could outbreed the higher classes? Wouldn’t that mean a huge dysgenic trend and end in Koanic’s whale carcass gas explosion and Tunak Tunak singularity but with a good dose of SCALE before the last quieting bang? Do you mean that that could provide the big reset for this shitshow?

      • Aeoli Pera says:

        Blueness in general indicates idealism, re: the daytime sky.

        Baldness is trickier for me, but in general I agree with your assessment that more hairlessness = more progressive, less apelike, less animalistic. There’s also a melony aspect, in the receding hairlines.

        • Pseudorandom Bypasser says:

          Idealism as in hippies, mind over matter or both? I meant more the “cold” blueness similar to dead bodies and how I perceived it as being less “fleshy” or alive and similar to what I wrote about baldness and lacking external organs.

          You should definitely watch Fantastic Planet. You would likely get more out of it than most others. Draags have parietals, fish ears and intense burning eyes. Their society, culture and treatment of Oms is very melon.

          • Aeoli Pera says:

            >Idealism as in hippies, mind over matter or both?

            As in mind over matter. The idealism of hippies was just dopamine-fueled optimism, there was no mind involved.

            >I meant more the “cold” blueness similar to dead bodies and how I perceived it as being less “fleshy” or alive and similar to what I wrote about baldness and lacking external organs.

            Precisely, blue is perceived as being aloof from fleshy, mortal concerns like eating, murder, fucking, and Freudian psychopathologies.

            >You should definitely watch Fantastic Planet.

            Probably will after seeing that, plus it’s on YouTube and only an hour long.

    • Aeoli Pera says:

      >Cara Delevigne is such a babe


      >The fish Jew people are probably analogous to the Robo-Brahman ‘Draags’ of Fantastic Planet and there’s probably some analogous ideas worth exploring.

      Is it worth watching? Keep in mind I only watch a couple of movies per year.

  5. I walked into that movie knowing absolutely nothing about it. No trailers, no reviews, nada. A couple of minutes into the credits, I saw “Dargaud” and had a pretty fair idea where it was heading. I haven’t read much in the way of 70s-80s French/Euro sci-fi comics*, but I pretty much got what I expected from that point on.

    Not sure what “owl melon” or some of the other terms bandied about here mean, though. Help, anyone?

    *Or any, really, but I’ve seen tons of snippets and reviews of them. Gotta love The Comics Journal. I think I flipped through Heavy Metal at the newsstands a few times back in the day, too.

  6. Pingback: Those poor fish people | Aeoli Pera

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