We at Aeoli Pera have just received a missive from the land of Altrugenics announcing that the Jagged Crown has passed to Boneflour, first of his name. It appears to be a semi-literate transcript of a primitive ordainment ceremony where the religious leaders of the TT subforum consecrated and blessed the reign of the new king. We expect that women and minorities will be hit hardest by this change, but experts say this news will probably strengthen the dollar against the shekel.
Four score and seven months ago, give or take a couple of years, a man named Koanic drew woo from the void of PUA and the chaos of Vault-Co, and he called it Edenism. He fashioned it into some semblance of order and released massive incline o’er the land. And he saw that it was good, but not good enough, so he deleted it and made a less ignant and highfalutin’ one. And he saw that it was good too, but still not good enough, and so he deleted it and made another one. There mighta been another one before all that, but it’s all shrouded in myth and time and my old mind don’t remember details except how long this fish I once caught was, you should have been there because you wouldn’t believe me. In my time I done seen some fellow travelers say “hail, well met” who got lost to the sands of time and disinterestedness, and this whole time I’ve been telling the homeowners association we should put a fence around those but no one ever listens to ME.
Where was I? Oh right, kids these days. Y’all don’t know how good you have it. Back in my day they just called us kooks and moved on but now there’s so much science backing up everything that they have to make fun of us on Southpark or else the whole Out of Africa equality thing crumbles. The problem with you kids is you don’t have any direction, is what it is. It’s why nothing ever gets done around here! Name ONE project an Edenist has completed. If Tex can release Grimoire, then maybe we can sell one goddamned, silk-screened T-shirt without everybody ragequitting after a week of talking big. The problem with you kids is you don’t have any work ethic, is what it is. Y’all need a fire lit under ya. There oughta be a guy who can bring some fire to shed light on this whole “future direction” thing where people DO WORK. So he’d be some kinda “firebringer” or “guy who comes with light”…
Where was I? Oh right, it had to have been THIS long, which is what I told the homeowners association but no one ever listens. I have to admit, it’s unbelievable, like this kid I know. He’s a real go-getter and a sharp dresser. He says he’s gonna put something together, he does it, and he says he’s gonna learn coding a get a MAN’s job and what does he do? He goes and does it, is what he do. Boneflour! Where is that crazy bastard? I drove to this guy’s house a couple weeks ago and he showed me what it looks like when a man’s got his house in order, even if he is a worthless youngun’ thinks he knows better than his elders. He cooks a steak like you wouldn’t believe and he’s got this little Southern belle prancing around in her little dress like right outta the good book, beautiful, absolutely beautiful. I’d have cried if they didn’t remove my tear ducts back in the war.
Where was I? Oh right, the war. Sometimes a MAN’s gotta make a stand and tell the world they can take my internet, but they’ll never find my vault and backup AR receivers and make me say “yes ma’am, I’m the crazy one and all you are the normal ones” like some little bitch. It’s not right! It’s not right. You kids have it too good to be sitting in basements not building anything with that toolbox I bought you from the Goodwill for fifteen AMERICAN DOLLARS, and it’s just sitting there collecting dust next to your Bible, and it’s not right. Anyway, that’s why we’re here now, if I recall. Ahem! I HEREBY PROCLAIM AND PRONUNCIATE BONEFLOUR HIGH KING AND SUPREME CHANDELIER OF THIS HERE TT CLOWNTOWN, NOT THAT ANY OF YOU KIDS DESERVE IT. Boneflour, I charge you with the sacred duty of consideratin’ the needs of everybody all at once but also consideratin’ their special needs. Boneflour leads, y’all follow, and I guarantee this place will shape up like none of y’all would believe. Everything made of gold and light, just like the old days I tells ya! Probably sounds easy when I just say it like that, don’t it? We gotta make changes though, or it’s all just a bunch of big talk. Gotta water the flowers everyday or we can’t have nice things.
Now, you kids can get to the dancing and the food because I’m sure none of you were listening. I gotta rub the special oil on this guy because that’s the way we always did it for kings, and then I gotta hit the sack because it’s almost noon. Margie, where’s my good bourbon? MARGIE? I said WHERE’S MY GOOD BOURBON? Don’t you use that tone with me, I’ll take you right back to the corner I found you on! I KNOW THEY’RE LISTENING, I just said WHERE’S MY BOURBON and you go and you wanna…. OH GREAT, THIS AGAIN.
What are y’all staring at? It’s a party! Go dance, none of that modern dancing though with the hippity-hoppity. You let me worry about her, this is just how we talk.
The intelligible part of the transcript ends here. From the increasing rate of typos and the smell, we suspect the transcriptionist was drinking immoderately. He subsequently descended into cursing and some very raunchy poetry about the magic of friendship and the sexual disposition of “Brad” toward ponies. We have tried to edit the typos as best as possible while retaining the original spirit of the message.
If you are a pilgrim who wishes to make homage to the new king, there is a link to Koanic’s forum in the sidebar.