Edenic user stories

Shitpoasting my way back to a good rhythm, for this is the way of the nobilid.

What is a user story? I’m glad you asked! Here’s a paraphrased explanation I’ve shamelessly plagiarized from Mauricio Rubio:

In theory, user stories are basically product features, requirements or tasks that add value to the end customer, phrased as user experience stories: “As a (who) I want to…(what) so that…(why).” In practice, most Agile Teams use user stories as tasks that reflect what they are trying to accomplish, which of course is directed to meeting a customer need or requirement. Example: “As a customer I want to navigate my settings to disable one-click shopping so that when my kids are on my computer they can’t buy things.”

Using the format above to write user stories requires more effort and space (which is limited if you’re using post-it notes). Plus it can get a bit repetitive and redundant, so…in practice, most Agile Teams write user stories as short tasks which start with a verb. and the task that is being performed (written in a short and concise manner). Example: “Ensure the app is responsive so that it can work on different screen sizes.” These are then compiled into a task list for the project.

Examples of verbs to start a user story would be:
Create
Develop
Build
Plan
Research
Perform
Test
Etc.

When I was making myself a set of templates, I expanded this by using the more theoretical version to include the following prompts, roughly following my understanding of the business pipeline:

2018-03-28 08_50_15-My Agile Templates.ods - OpenOffice.org Calc

My examples were objectively hilarious, as verified by overwhelming consensus in the scientific community. Somebody on Discord challenged me to try writing some Edenic user stories…so here they are.

As a Troothal coming from My most recent divorce who’s comfortable with Dual-booting Vault-OS and TempleOS on a microwave emulating a PLC running Industrial Ethernet but not Making money, I want to Make classic RPGs great again in No time flat and spend All the Kickstartr money so that I can cackle in my underground lair for 25 years while the saps wait.

(I don’t know if Tex has ever divorced, I’m just assuming that’s part of the circle of life for us. /blackpill)

As a Melon McMelonson Dualback Atlantean phenotype coming from Outer Heaven who’s comfortable with Traversing levels of reality but not Humility or work (ugh!) I want to Rebuild what was lost in A 5 year plan and spend Innumerable human lives so that I can sit atop a pyramid of skulls with eyes burning like the fires of Hell, and curse God to his face.

As Kangz we comin Straight outta Africa lotta Gettin money (consensually) and gettin bitchez (consensually) not so much Making or using tools I wanna Be where ITZ at Right now and spend More money than you make in a year probably (btw can haz cigarette?) so that I can steal the Promethean fire back from the white man #NeverForget.

About Aeoli Pera

Maybe do this later?
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Edenic user stories

  1. bicebicebcie says:

    Reported this post to the ADL for Lack of anti-semitism (not being talked about is the worstest of fates, see women and “neglect rape” for further info).

    10/10 Nobilids. I found the word “user” very funny, “this is your brain on Edenism. Any Questions?!?HU!?!?HU!?!?HU?!??UH!?!?!Hu?!”

    “I JUST SAT THERE AND READ IT FOR A DECADE AND NOTHING HAPPENED ABSOLUTE SHITE PRODUCT WOULT NOT RECOMMEND 0/10”

    I, too, also get it.

    • Ø says:

      L’chaim. As a person chosen by G*d but who doesn’t actually believe in H*m coming from South Florida who’s comfortable with the total inversion of every aspect of nature and reality at any cost but not your existence, I want to get at LEAST 20% on this FUCKING deal or NOTHING AT ALL, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? YOU WILL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN. I WILL BURY YOU. YOU WILL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY AGAIN, YOU FUCKING COCKROACH.

      *slams down phone*

      • Boneflour says:

        10/10

        • Ø says:

          10/10?

          Ten out of fucking ten?!

          Look. Itz like this:

          5/10, we talk.
          6/10, I walk.
          7/10, go fuck yourself.
          8/10, just fuck you period.
          9/10, that’s not even worth talking about or mentioning.

          But *10/10*?????.

          Look, kid. I don’t know who taught you how to play this game.

          BUT IF YOU WANT TO PLAY HARDBALL WITH MAURY SHEKELHEIMER, YOU’D BETTER BRING SOME BETTER HEAT THAN THAT, BECAUSE THE LAST GOY WHO OFFERED ME 10/10 ON A DEAL NEVER LEFT THE FUCKING BALLPARK.

          *inhales cigar furiously, silently prepared to accept up to 8/10 if 5% interest is part of the deal*

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s