Refers to https://aeolipera.wordpress.com/2018/12/11/a-glimpse-of-terrifying-beauty/
All right, emergency triage writing time. If I lose the ability to trust myself to trust the plan, this entire thing I’m doing falls apart and I die alone like Carl. 12:30 in the afternoon and no schoolwork or even exercise is not trusting the plan.
The root issue is that causing the IRL old friends meetup to be cancelled through incompetence* really shook me, on top of much else falling apart around me in the last 10 days. As you may be aware, competence is a big deal for me. Between autonomy, mastery, and purpose, 80% of my happiness comes from mastery. I could be happy chained to a post sharpening spears par excellence even knowing those spears would never be used. (This is quite clear to all those people over the years who want the best for me and pointed out this blog is an addictive time sink that serves no serious purpose.)
*Can’t rent a car because driver’s license expired, for lack of cyborganization.
For purpose of illustration (don’t worry, it’s to contextualize the insight following, not just spontaneous toxic ranting):
- I can name 15 pieces of technology that I rely on that broke in the last ten days (e.g. phone) – this is faster than I can fix or replace things
- Work life has recently been a string of failures, largely outside my control
- I haven’t had a face-to-face conversation with another person in a month
- Contact with the internship application process has shaken me (may need to abandon the mass application approach altogether and do outside-the-box approaches only)
- Though I don’t make a point of thinking about it, it galls me that I haven’t written a good blog post in a week
- Family calls have fallen apart for lack of bandwidth on my part (lesson: I can’t do it alone, and the problem is my family is full of Type As who think nothing is their job except their job, and especially family is not their job – I need to do a propaganda campaign about how family is integral to happiness and career success is not)
- Almost complete lack of spiritual life for lack of bandwidth
- Financially can’t afford to slow down the school schedule, hence bandwidth issues
- Despite being in the best shape of my life and getting great sleep every night, I’m getting toxic to a point where it’s hurting my best relationships
- Getting a C- for no fault of my own (even for a measly quiz worth only 1 percent of the final grade) reminded me that I’m not in complete control of my academic destiny, and this semester’s incompetent professors have me worried that [redacted] frontloads all the competent people into the intro classes to suck you in
All right, that was for setting up the following insight.
I always hope I would have the character to thank and praise God even if my life were a complete failure and I were despised, rejected, unhappy, incompetent, hungry, etc. Similarly, I want to be the sort of person who thanks and praises God in good times instead of ascribing all good things to myself and forgetting about him, since I wouldn’t feel like I need him anymore (in the short term…because human). Looking at my situation right now, it’s not really that bad by any stretch of the imagination. As far as failures and setbacks go, these are the tutorial level at worst.
Plus, I’ve been bigly blessed to have seen a concrete glimpse of how God redeems bad things and turns them to good for those who love him and are called according to his plan. I don’t know why he’s so subtle about it, and from my limited perspective this does more harm than good, but I will admit that appreciating that level of subtlety even for a moment lends itself to heights of awe I can’t imagine feeling for more direct forms of intervention. It’s like a masterfully built watch versus fireworks. Fireworks lose their appeal over time, but mind-boggling complexity appeals more and more over time.
Therefore, I can rest my anxieties on these premises:
- God loves me (must be true if the gospel is true),
- God is paying attention to my situation (likely true if I correctly intuited he intervened in my family’s situation), and
- God is competent to redeem all these minor setbacks for a profit (certainly true if I correctly intuited he intervened in my family’s situation)
In conclusion, this is all part of the training pipeline for growing in godliness. Even if I’m delusional or misunderstanding the glimpse of terrifying beauty thing and premises 2 and/or 3 aren’t true, it’s still true that this situation is good training for growing in godliness.
Solution: LIVE IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER! And:
 And there went great multitudes with him. And turning, he said to them:
 If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.  And whosoever doth not carry his cross and come after me, cannot be my disciple. 
Leave your family, and go no contact. You must repent dear friend. The road beckons you, and calls you. We, believe in you Aeoli, and Gods got your back!
This is another time I’m letting a comment through as a cautionary tale to the audience. If you don’t have realistic expectations you could be this person someday, telling people to defoo their families over basically nothing.
My father yelled and screamed at me and I quote “I will kill you. I will kill you. I will kill you.” Then he told me to go to the police because he thought they were going to arrest me and they charged him, and he plead guilty in court to it. I have evidence so stop with your “Forgive your abusers!” Shtick. They are sabotaging you and you refuse to see it.
See, the difference here is my relationship with my family is pretty normal. That involves some dysfunction, but not too much.
“a cautionary tale to the audience”
You can simply leave. When someone asks the cliche “Why dont you just leave?” Or any other various Enabling and Abuse by Proxy sabotaging tactics. Avoding crazy people is a full time job. Just need to get my bicycle and then we will see who is better at this Triatolon shit than you. I got my solar panels now bro, that means no electric bill.
>Avoding crazy people is a full time job.
For healthy people the effort isn’t even noticeable.
REalistically, you can never actually be Jesus.
But if you find his words …distasteful….you can be something else.
Cut them off, fool.
You’re like those idiots spouting “judge not” as if it was a killshot.
>I’m getting toxic to a point where it’s hurting my best relationships
Getting good sleep and working out doesn’t improve much of anything beyond how well your body functions. Shouldn’t immediately connect the two, although being in bad shape can make you a depressed, smelly shit.
For me it’s finding why I’m such an asshole and trying to understand why acting the way I am is immoral. Immorality is the best motivator I have for why I shouldn’t do something, or should do something. I don’t know.
Sounds like we’re very different people.
>Getting good sleep and working out doesn’t improve much of anything beyond how well your body functions.
>Shouldn’t immediately connect the two, although being in bad shape can make you a depressed, smelly shit.
Sorry, let me rephrase it. When I was in the best shape of my life I was constantly thinking of suicide. Don’t know how to phrase, “being fit doesn’t make you a good or happy person,” better than to not bother drawing a connection.
Maybe I should keep that advice to myself from now on.
It would be good to put it in terms of necessary vs. sufficient, or, “it takes a lot of things to be happy but just one to be miserable”.
Another good illustration for the audience here is if you ever show weakness, it attracts predators. So be aware of that, and default to Disraeli’s advice to “never complain, never explain” unless you want a barrage of mental illness.
“Another good illustration for the audience here is if you ever show weakness”
Predators think napping is weakness, so your advice is null. Predators think being a night owl is weakness. So again, Saps Not Even Once!
Predators nap almost constantly. Being a night owl is weakness.
And Bice left because he was offended that I don’t vote.
Not making that up by the way, that was the real reason.
You’re Sub-Syndromal Unspecified Mental Health Disorder is transparent for all too see.
If only there were a pill for that, at last I could reach my full potential.
Also illustrates that naivete doesn’t age gracefully. Old men ought to be subtle, conservative, and pragmatic. Making big moves suddenly is for young people who haven’t learned anything yet.
>I could be happy chained to a post sharpening spears par excellence even knowing those spears would never be used.
Sounds like Hawkeye Gough
He spends all day making carvings nobody will use, has attained absolute mastery over marksmanship (he shoots down Kalameet the dragon with impeccable aim even though he is blind), and has a huge amount of information to give to the player
Prior to growing my fancy melonhead, that’s spot-on.
muh greebles lol
Well, still looking forward to your livestream. Eh, I got an hour of fun out of it, I’ll poke you every now and again.
I think if I end up doing it it’s just going to be me talking to myself. You just can’t count on a lifting partner to not go get married or something.
For what it’s worth, Aeoli, yours has been one of the most profitable blogs I have read in the past decade. Your striving for self-improvement is in stark contrast to most of the old Manosphere, for example, with their endless complaining and stagnation. Remember Romans 5 (especially v.v. 1-5) and Romans 8 (especially v.v. 18-30).
Thank you for taking a moment to say so. And thanks for the reading suggestion, it’s the first I’ve taken from a stranger on the internet in quite some time and it didn’t disappoint.
Hang in there, bro. I’m many miles away and don’t really have a way to get in touch with you, other than leaving public comments on your blog, but I’d definitely help you if you needed it and I’d be happy to chat more if there’s a good e-mail to reach you at. Face to face interaction is important for mental health. No churches open in your area? They are reopening in many places. It’s great that this is helping you get closer to God. That often doesn’t happen with trials (easy to just turn inward) and very rarely with successes (apart from offering superficial praise the way sportsballers do when they win a championship).
Ignore the hater(s)/troll(s). Sounds like someone with nothing better to do.
>Hang in there, bro…I’d definitely help you if you needed it and I’d be happy to chat more if there’s a good e-mail to reach you at.
Thanks for offering, but I’m okay. If you’d want to talk anyway, the easiest way to get my attention (still not always easy) is on Skype or Discord, UN is aeoli.pera on both.
>No churches open in your area?
Lizard King said to only to go to Orthodox churches, and I don’t have a car.
>It’s great that this is helping you get closer to God. That often doesn’t happen with trials (easy to just turn inward) and very rarely with successes (apart from offering superficial praise the way sportsballers do when they win a championship).
That’s why I shared this. With fatalism winning out in the culture wars we don’t have a lot of examples of how to grow.
>Ignore the hater(s)/troll(s). Sounds like someone with nothing better to do.
I do unless I can see a Judo trick for accomplishing something good.
I suggest extremely heavy consumption of tobacco products. Not joking.
The Alec Bradley 2nds are back in stock at the moment luckily.
Get the Gordos since those will be more likely to be Prensado seconds.
And they’ll be big enough you can cut them in two and then smoke a cigar a day for a buck and a half.
Make a pipe out of a parnsip and smoke the butts/trimmings if this isn’t enough tobacco power.
It might not work for you but its worth a shot.
Vape, Vape, and Vape some more!
Plus this increases your Game, especially if you make your own custom mods. Those batteries can blow up if you fuck with the voltage. Safety and Danger go hand in hand.
I think that’s the last cautionary tale one I’m gonna let through for a while.
I’ve actually had a couple cigars over the weekend to help catch up. But I don’t want it to become a dependency the way coffee is.
That said, I just ordered a 10-pack of the ones you said. I may be an idiot, but I know when a good thing has been dropped in my lap.
>I can name 15 pieces of technology that I rely on that broke in the last ten days (e.g. phone) – this is faster than I can fix or replace things
“broke” is relative
>Work life has recently been a string of failures, largely outside my control
>I haven’t had a face-to-face conversation with another person in a month
When this happens to me, I skimp on work and take a good, long nap and dedicate any number of days to unashamed neetdom. Once the cortisol goes down, I start with the least offending thing and stick the worst thing in the middle of the schedule, and once I complete the worst thing I do the second worst, and so on.
BTW, after I exercise arms or shoulders my head is never at 100% when I’m sore. Squats don’t have this issue.
>When this happens to me, I skimp on work and take a good, long nap and dedicate any number of days to unashamed neetdom. Once the cortisol goes down, I start with the least offending thing and stick the worst thing in the middle of the schedule, and once I complete the worst thing I do the second worst, and so on.
That’s not a bad plan to recover from something catastrophic. It sounds like what I do after a triathlon. Pizza and anime for the rest of the day, then when the feeling starts coming back start building the addiction to goal accomplishment back up.
almost forgot what day it was
That’s racist. We do not live in trees.
You and mm are both a bit lep-id ginger-id tbh
What sort of internship are you looking for?
I don’t want to say on here.
You’ve collected my email.
You mean collected as in Big Data or what?
To comment here I have to leave an email address.
You have “management material” written all over you.
I didn’t see any for Nigeria. Too bad; pirate attacks are not as bad as everyone thinks they are. There’s a lot of people who can’t handle 4guys to a room though.
See the world, experience new cultures.
I hate travelling at least as much as I hate school. But at least it’s typically over quicker than school.
RE Drivers license: competence has nothing to do with anything involving the government. Even if you think you could have avoided it by acting sooner in this particular case. All government is about submission; they want to be at the forefront of your mental and submission processes. A failure to submit timely is not a failure of competence.
What is godliness?
Checking in here to see how you are doing… did you ever get started on becoming a full stack dev?
Yeah, it took me a couple years to get in a good position but I’m basically doing exactly what you said to do right now.
Happy to hear that.
Here’s a site that aggregates all remote jobs from Hacker News: https://hnhiring.com/locations/remote