I’m not saying this is every single time, just every single time that I’ve seen.
- The tech people give their recommendation for the $50 million German product that works.
- The business people take embarrassingly small bribes (often sexual favors) from the company with the $25 million New Jersey product that only pretends to work but the sales guy was a clean, articulate negro.
- The tech people roll over like wet noodles because “it’s not our job to make value judgments hurr durr”.
- The business people pound the table like five-year-olds demanding ice cream for dinner.
- The project runs way over time and ends up costing $100 million.
- The business people are like “This looks bad for accounting we need to go live IMMEDIATELY.”
- The tech people are like “That will cause the loss of literally all our core business functions.” Please refer to the burn-down chart*.
- The business people are like “Fuck it, we’re doin’ it LIVE yee-haw!” (This must be what the NASA engineers felt like when they made shuttle launch decisions on cocaine and Xanax!)
- The business grinds to a complete halt for 1-6 weeks. The fiasco hits local news and the CEO has to fly home early from her green energy conference in Jamaica with her hair still in cornrows to tell everyone that everything is normal and fine. (In the rush she forgets to delete sexually compromising pictures and videos from her company phone,, which leak a couple of years later.)
- The business people pound the table like five-year-olds because nothing works anymore (because the demo was faked, imagine my shock). They don’t have any other life skills because you don’t get a business degree unless your goal in life is to not work hard and not understand how anything works (i.e. regress to a five-year-old).
- Only half the functionality can be rebuilt from scratch because it’s all proprietary and only the vendor can make changes, and their customer service is as good as their product. They’re too busy to support old sales because they’re out making new sales and new fake products with fake demos.
- Half the business’s functions disappear forever because rolling things back would be admitting failure.
- The business people quit, add “Launched $100 million software project” to their resumes, and move to jobs with bigger responsibilities.
In conclusion, technical professionals need to learn the negotiating value of throwing a shit-fit and stop pretending to be disinterested moderates. Oh, and if there are any dominatrixes out there, you could be making a lot more per hour by “selling” corporate software on commission to the sorts of guys who have “launched $100 million software project” on their resumes, because they have this strange desire to be treated like five-year-olds.
*This is a real-life example burn-down chart at the tail-end of a 3-year, $100 million software installation project: